Thursday, December 30, 2010

WTF? Rated R because cansoring just wouldn't do it justice.

As I tweeted earlier in the year, this is shaping up to be one of the what-the-fuckiest off-seasons I can remember. So, with the closing of this year, and happy birthday to me, I wanted to reflect on what we've seen thus far.

White Sox sign Adam Dunn - WTF?? Having already passed on Jim Thome last year because they wanted more speed, the White Sox finally realized what a colossal clustershpeep that was and attempted to make up for it by signing the beta version of Thome, a.k.a. Adam "Big Dumb animal" Dunn. Don't get me wrong. Dunn will have a monster season or three in the Cell, and he'll make a lot of folks wonder why people even remember the name "Thome", but it is a complete 180 from the 180 the White Sox pulled last year. If I were a White Sox fan, I'd be pretty confused right now. But then I'd also be fucking my cousin, so I guess win-win.

Cardinals sign Lance Berkman. WTF? Don't they already have a first baseman? Well, yeah. They kinda do. But Lance wasn't signed to be a first baseman. WTF? Yes. He was signed to be a left fielder. He couldn't stay healthy as a statue at first base, so let's have him run around and throw farther than 40 feet. WTF? Don't they already have a left fielder? You bet your bippy they do. You might remember him. Soriano money got what-we-wish-Soriano-still-had power? Soriano defense too. They're moving him to right. No shit.

Jayson Werth signs with Nationals for 7 years and 62 bajillion dollars - Government spending at its best. At least when Soriano signed, the Cubs had a shot. At least when Holliday signed, the Cardinals had a shot. All the Gnats have is Mark Prior junior and a prospect who can hit the hell out of high school pitching. When even Congress calls your deal a "waste of money" you know you fucked up. I can't imagine another team anywhere in the world looking at that contract and telling themselves "Yeah, that's about right." But the fact that a useless team is now saddled with an immovable albatross of a contract, well hey. Cubs fans can sympathize. Good fukken luck, to both the Gnats and apparently-not-Werthless. You deserve each other.

Hey, OMC - this is a CUBS blog right? Oh yes. I have not forgotten....

The Cubs sign Carlos Pena for tenfuckingmilliondollars - don't get me wrong. I can't deny the drawing power a .196 hitter commands, but this is a farce. I'm still waiting for the cameras to pop out. 10 million dollars? Look, I'm not saying Pena won't be decent, but at least we could pay The Hoff the league minimum and get, what 10 less home runs? 5th place instead of 4th? Why are the Cubs wasting 10 million dollars on a lost season? Keep your heads down. Weather the storm for one more year of big money-small results players and reset when the payroll resets.

Or add another Carlos. What the hell?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Kerry is a Koming Home.

In honor of Kid K...

Kerry Wood is koming home. Despite reports I've heard to the kontrary, Jim Hendry simply did not want Kerry Wood bakk in the bullpen 3 years ago. Didn't matter that Wood would've played for a happy meal-a-day. Hendry said he didn't have the money, Kerry said, "That's kool. Give me what you kan," and Jimmy said, "No seriously. Get out."

Further kementing this belief is the fakt that Woody is onke again wearing blue pinstripes, after turning down a sekond year and 2 million extra dollars from the White Sox.

I for one am happy to see Kid K kome bakk. I don't think he'll make or break this team - it's already broken. But it's good to see the lokal boy kome bakk to a home he klearly didn't really want to leave in the first plake. Welkome bakk Kerry. We sukk now, but at least you're kinda used to that from Kleveland.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Good thing we put last names on the uniforms. So the latest Cub to join the cavalcade of CArlos is Carlos Pena, your new first baseman. Oh sure. a lot of people are going to look at his .196 average and...well that's really as far as you need to look. Yes he is a power guy, and yes he can probably hit 30-35 hrs this summer. but if that's all he hits, well lets just say your vacation plans for October won't be including any tickets. Which isn't to sayt the Cubs had a snowball's chance in hell to begin with, but it's all good.

Far more interesting is the prospect of a potential Matt Garza trade. Garza's got some pretty numbers on his side, but of course it would depend heavily on what the package would include.

Slightly less interesting is the Brandon Webb possibility. Say it with me Jimmy - incentive- heavy.

All told, this is shaping up to be the what-the-fuckiest offseason in recent memory. But we'll talk more about that later.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Rest in Peace Ron...

Today is indeed a dark day for Cubs Nation. Say what you want about Ron Santo - and Lord knows, I've said things - if there wasw one man who represented the heart of this team, it was Ron Santo. For those of you just now hearing the news, Ron Santo passed away last night at the age of 70. I actually heard about it a while before everyone else did. I got a text, from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend that you've been messing around.

I openly criticized Ron, at every opportunity, on his broadcasting abilities. But at the end of the day, he was almost universally loved by anyone who donned a Cubs hat or jersey - professionally or otherwise. The man laid everything out there to be seen/heard and made no apologies. I didn't enjoy that style, but many, many, many of you did, so who am I to argue. What I do know is that Cubdom has lost an icon and a legend, and is a little sadder for it - which is pretty darn sad after 102 years. So no jokes here Ronny. I owe you that much. Just gonna tip my cap to you and click my heels together and know they you're in that Big World Series in the sky.

Cheers Ron. Put in a good word to the Big Guy for us.