Monday, October 5, 2009

2009 End of Season Roster

Updated daily until the World Series -ish.

Roster #1- Carlos Zambrano - Everyone except those who matter wants this guys gone. Fortunately, the ones who matter are right.
Roster #2 - Aramis Ramirez - Once again proving he's the most clutch hitter on the team. Almost an RBI per game. Sick.
Roster #3 - Carlos Marmol - 12 balls followed by 9 strikes. Named closer next year in an attempt to get it down to 8 balls before 3 K's.
Roster #4 - Ryan Dempster - Considering his daughter lived in a hopital through June, 11 wins is freakin' awesome. You are hard core.
Roster #5 - Ted Lilly - Had an "off year", leading the team in wins. The best starter for the last 4 years. Only All Star, well deserved.
Roster #6 - Mike Fontenot - Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 starting second baseman - unfortunately. Get used to pinch-hitting.
Roster #7 - Reed Johnson - Good for one spectacular catch in April, then decent play the rest of the year. Still thinks he can bunt.
Roster #8 - Alfonso Soriano - Leg fell off in May, didn't tell anyone until September. Going to be here a while - get used to it.
Roster #9 - Milton Bradley - "The Mistake" Period. End of list. Can't get out of town fast enough. And take your lying-ass mom with you.
Roster #10 - Derrek Lee - Slow start, then took off like a rocket and didn't look back. Almost enough to carry the team. Almost.
Roster #11 - John Grabow - With Guzman and Marmol, he completes a deadly trio. And guess what Lou, HE'S LEFT HANDED!
Roster #12 - Kevin Gregg - Don't worry Gregg. I'm sure the 7 blown saves, 4.79 ERA and 13 HR's won't affect your contract opportunities.
Roster #13 - Rich Harden - Only starter to pitch almost the entire season. Missed 2 weeks b/c we all forgot he was supposed to be injured.
Roster #14 - Kosuke Fukudome - Much more consistent this year. Still spins like a top at the plate when he's off. Still a waste of money.
Roster #15 - Randy Wells - Spot starter ends up leading the team in wins. Can you say Wally Pipp?
Roster #16 - Geovany Soto - Duuuuude. You like totally got major muchies last year. No more twinkies. Let's hope you weren't a 1 hit wonder.
Roster #17 - Aaron Miles - Even Mendoza thinks you suck.
Roster #18 - Ryan Theriot - When Piniella says "Drive the ball" from now on your first thought should be "Which car should I take?".
Roster #19 - Koyie Hill - I have it on good authority that he once threw out Jesus trying to steal a base - with 1 hand. Hard freakin' core.
Roster #20 - Jeff Baker - Rumor has it, the Cubs have asked him to change his last name to "DeRosa".
Roster #21 - Sean Marshall - Dear Sean, you're a bullpen pitcher and the sooner you get that through your head the better off you'll be.
Roster #22 - Tom Gorzelanny - Not as hard to spell as Samardzija, but close. Is hoping to rehash his 2006 not-too-shabbiness.
Roster #23 - Aaron Heilman - We just found out why two teams didn't want him last year. Decent 11th bullpen guy,
Roster #24 - Angel Guzman - Wants to change his name to "marmol" and move into the setup slot. Welcome. Stay healthy and it's yours.
Roster #25 - David Patton - I had to google him to make sure he was still a Cub. Elvis was seen more often at Wrigley than this guy.

Honorable Mentions:
Micah Hoffpauir - Still the hoff, but no longer capitalized. Hitting .239 will do that.
Jake Fox - Think Pedro Serano. If you make the mistake of throwing a fastball, he'll hit the piss out of it. If not....
Sam Fuld - Quickly replacing Reed Johnson as the fans' favorite backup outfielder.
Bobby Scales - Proved without a doubt that he can only play on dirt, not grass.
Andres Blanco - Made the play of the year. Couldn't get to 1st base in a women's prison with a fist full of pardons.

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