Friday, April 30, 2010

I Am Guilty Derrek, And I'll Never Do It Again

Derrek Lee is hitting like crap. Amazingly, he's not as bad as Aramis Ramirez, but he's still pretty bad. However, History has shown, time and time again, that DLee will bounce back. The exceptions to this rule are 2005 when he was just ridiculous all year long, and 2008. In 2008, Lee's biggest problem was that he never met a double play he didn't like.

Every other year, consistently, April has sucked. Last year and admittedly the year before, I was on the Micah Hoffpauir (who's that guy???) bandwagon. This year, I'm on the Derrek bandwagon all the way. I'll ride out this bad storm with him because I know he'll produce down the road.

Aramis however - you're on your own pookie. You're just lucky Chad Tracy is so much worse.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Reflections on Washington

Things we know
- Adam Dunn is a big dumb animal and we'll regret not signing him while we had the chance.
- Your starting rotation having a 2.60 ERA is great, unless your offense averages 2.5 runs per game.
- We should've pulled out all the stops to sign Matt Capps.
- The Cubs didn't win on Monday night so much as the Nationals lost.
- I really need to proof read my blog better.

Things we suspect
- Kevin Millar could've easily done Chad Tracy's job
- Aramis Ramirez REALLY needs to shave. It's like a reverse Samson thing
- Livan Hernandez has a secret "beat the Cubs" Kool-aid formula
- The Cubs couldn't get runs in Mexico drinking the water.

Despite our 5-2 records vs. the Gnats last year, I seem to remember they beat us in stupid ways that really infuriate me. This weekend it was simple lack of offense. I was giddy after the first game, but mostly because the Blackhawks were leading too. So that was , perhaps magnified. Now it's just a shocking lack of offense after we b-slapped the Boo-Hoo Crew so decisively. But hey. At least we have a f*cking cup now...

Two Teams, One Cup

Confession time. I've never seen the infamous "Two Girls, One Cup" video (Stop right there! I have no desire to either). I cannot imagine though, that my reaction to watching it could be any stronger than my reaciton when I first heard the news about this Crosstown trophy bull$h17.

First, there was utter disbelief aqbout what I was seing. Followed by a strong feeling of nausea, and finally, I just had to turn my head away before I gave into everything and I saw something that would make me question my faith in everything good and decent in the world.

Here's a challenge to anyone who backs this idea and thinks it's good for the rivalry - When the crosstown series rolls around, ask every player on the roster at the time if they're excited to be playing for "the Cup". I guarantee you, at least 10 members on each team will respond with "What cup?" Because, you see, this series is meaningless. It's just 1/27th of a long, long schedule.

In he end, only marketing people and fools (and believe me, those are NOT necessarily two separate groups) think this is a good idea. Baseball people know it's a waste of time, a waste of effort, and it's not worth the gold plated, petrified dog crap it's made of.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Oh For The Love Of F*ck

According to The Chicago Tribune, multiple sources are reporting that the Cubs and White Sox will announce today a trophy and "public bragging rights" for the winner of the Crosstown Rivalry.

A trophy.

A fucking trophy

A fucking god damned trophy

A fucking god damned piece of shit what the fuck are we fucking doing trophy?

So, let's recap what the T-Rix as brought to our team:
1. Raised ticket prices being sold for 20% higher than the already raised rates
2. A frozen payroll causing Carlos Zambrano to do his best Rick Vaughn impression
3. A sign in left field for a company that can't make a working car
4. A trophy for a meaningless series


Sunday, April 25, 2010


MLB revises rules of hits vs. Errors.

In an attempt to more accurately reflect batting statistics and not penalize hitters for knowning the opposition's defensive capabilities, MLB has revised the standards by which official scorers will determine a hit vs. an error.

From now on, hitting toward a sucky player is now considered a skill, therefore a hit. No longer will playing against bad baseball teams affect statistics when it comes to base hits and extra base hits. This has been a concern in the past regarding contract situations and hits vs. plate appearances. Naturally the player's union applauds the move.

In a related story, Alfonso Soriano and Rickie Weeks now lead the NL in fielding percentage, tied at 1.000%.

Boy that was a lot of build up for a pretty mediocre joke.

Reflections on Milwaukee

Things we know:
- Theodore Roosevelt Lilly is one BAMF
- When the vacuum that sucked the hair of that woman's head was being developed by Kirby, it was code-named the "Rickie"
- Milwaukee really should explore the trade opportunities for Kosuke Fukudome since that is the only place he hits.
- Rickie Weeks' suckocity has it's own zip code.

Things we suspect:
- Doug Davis, while he's been tough against us in the past, can kiss our collective booties.
- Vegetable burgers are not good for one's swing.
- The Cubs can hit crappy pitching
- The Milwaukee Brewers are our prison bitches.

Gotta love a weekend series in Milwaukee. Lilly came back and made Prince his princess with 3 strikeouts, the first of which left Fatty McWhopper standing at home wondering where the hell the nearest steak was. Zambrano made his first appearance of the bullpen and did not attack anything. He did however run out of his own shoes. And on Sunday, the Pirates cheered as the Cubs turned the tide on the Boo-Hoo Crew beating them 12-2.

All in all. A good weekend.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Reflections on New York

What we know:
- Fuck New York - normally this is a child friendly blog, but just Fuck 'em
- Fuck 'em again - in the ass - with a red hot poker.
- Our bullpen is not our only problem
- Zambrano won't help there either.

What we suspect:
- The Cubs can make any crappy team look good for 3-4 games at a stretch
- Bob Brenly needs to go off on Soriano more often.
- The odd of getting a hit increase significantly if you take the bat off your shoulder.
- It was too close to F*ckin' Take!

Besides one game where Soriano made a solid argument that he is not in fact a black hole where low-outside breaking balls go to die, the Cubs pretty much slept trough the New York series. A few encouraging things I did see last night were good solid AB's from several players including [holycrap]Soriano[/holycrap] in which they worked a full count and fouled off some tough pitches. Often the AB ended in an out, but for the most part, I can lvie with those. In my world, any AB in which you see 7 pitches is fruit punch, regardless of outcome. It's more pitches you see, better odds of maknig something happen, and frustrating as spit to a pitcher.

Overall, it was a tournament of blah, led by Aramis. Having him not hit is worse than having him out of the lineup because right now, he's basically another pitcher in the lineup. Not good mojo.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Z to the Pen - Why I hate it.

Are you kidding me? We're sending Zambrano to the pen? You can't be serious! Oh Jesus. Here's why we're screwed.

1. Can you say white flag? White flag on the bullpen. White flag on Zambrano. He know our bullpen sucks and isn't getting any better. We know our Ace isn't an Ace, and isn't getting any better. Let's see what happens...

2. It could seriously screw with his head. Anyone remember when they moved Sammy Sosa to the #5 slot and "Sammy called Dusty to ask him for the move". This smells a lot like that. "Yeah Zambrano's totally cool with it, blah blah blah." Sammy was never anything ever again.

3. Zambrano has a tendency to give up runs early and dominate later. In the bullpen, there is no later.

4. Pitching more often than every 5 days could screw with his arm. You can't get him to drink Gatorade once a week. What makes you think three to four days a week will go any better?

5. It signals - or it least it SHOULD signal - the end of Jim Hendry's tenure in Chicago. Jim was so inept at putting together a bullpen for the last two years we now have a 17 million dollar setup man. How can that go unpunished? Hey TomRick - that's your money out there on the mound in the 8th.

Z to the Pen - Why I Love It

Ok, so lots of lots of lots of talk going on today about the big move - Zambrano to the bullpen. Oh my Cockadoodledoo. What is going on here? Here's a few reasons why I absolutely love this move:

1. The bullpen cannot get any worse. It really can't. All Zambrano can do if f*ck it up which is pretty much what everyone else is already doing anyway.

2. He can go more than 1 inning. I doubt he ever will, but hey - if necessary, Zambrano can bring it for 2 innings and he can hit for himself and Lou would not look like an idiot.

3. Pitching only 1 or 2 innings at a time, Z can ramp it up a notch. You think he's close to unhittable at 93 MPH? How about 97?

4. It may help get Z's head right. Hey Z - you're not irreplacable. Get down there and stabilize this thing and then we'll let you back in the club you like belonging to.

5. He might just do a good job and, you know, not give up runs - which is something this bullpen needs.

Monday, April 19, 2010

What are you talking about??

Headline: All-Star balloting 2010 is almost here It's f*cking APRIL!!!

Every blog, story, I hear/see/read is saying "it's too early to tell" or "it's a small smaple size" and yet, voting for the All Star game the outcome of which, by the way, happens to determine quite possibly the most important home field advantage in sports, opens tomorrow. Are you F*cking kidding me? How can you possibly open voting for the all star game when Pittsburgh is second in the standings is beyond me. Can we please get a chance to, oh I don't know, see some games before we decide who the besterest players are?

If it's important, then this can't be a popularity contest. If it's a popularity contest, then it cannot be important. Commit.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Reflections on Houston

Things we know
- Geoff Blum is a rat bastard
- Marmol is not invincible
- The qualifications for pitching out of the bullpen are depressingly low.
- So are the qualifications for singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Things we suspect
- Roy Oswalt is the best pitcher from his hometown.
- The Astros are as screwed without Berkman as we were without Ramirez last year
- This will not be Marmol's last 4 out save opportunity, nor his last blown save.
- There's no better slump buster than sitting in the first base dugout for 3 days at Wrigley

What started off as a positive series against the abysmal Astros who were missing their BFF Berkman ended in a ridiculous display of batting ineptitude. Ok, I get getting shut down by Roy Oswalt. He's a great pitcher and several score games over .500 in his career. But can anyone please explain why the prospect of facing the Great and Mighty Wandy and the Fearsome Geoff send cubs batters scurrying to the bench like kicked dogs? Yeah. Neither can I. What could've been an opportunity to get above sealevel for a couple of games turned out to be cement Reeboks dragging us down like a squealer. And speaking of which, on to New York.

From the LOLz filez

Dear University of Miami,

Please review your curriculum and graduation requirements.

The guys who flew this flag

Saturday, April 17, 2010

New Rules and Regs for Singing the Stretch

So, "McLovin" sang the Stretch today. I say "McLovin" because that is how Pat Hughes introduced him. Mc - Freakin' - Lovin. Really?

I'm not ashamed I had to google it. And don't get me wrong, I found a funny, if R-Rated clip below, but...

Ricketts, haven't we already had this conversation? Here are the new rules that need to be implemented to the "Guest Conductors" for Take Me Out To The Ballgame. There are only two of them, so you don't even need to pay attention for very long.

1. Must have some Chicago connection. Passing through or assaulting a Walgreens employee does not qualify. You must've been born here, own real estate here, or have started a professional theatre here. This is a baseball game. Not a late-night talk show. You want to promote something, talk to Letterman.

2. If you do not root, root, root for the Cubbies, sit the f*ck down. I'm tired of the Bob Uekers, the Bernie Macs, the baseball legends who change the lyrics, pull the mic away, or otherwise don't say the name. If you're not willing to don a Cubs hat and Jersey in front of millions of TV viewers and profess your love for our team, sit the f*ck down, and yes, I'm talking to you Mr. President.

So there are your rules. If you fail to meet both, go home and make a donation to Haiti to get your mug on TV. Leave our game and our song alone.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Reflections on Milwaukee

What we know:
- LaTroy Hawkins is exactly the pitcher we expected.
- Alfonso Soriano has no business wearing a fielding glove - and batting gloves are becoming debatable.
- Nothing good ever happens when you walk a pitcher.
- Spellcheck needs to go away. Back to Iowa. If they'll have him.

What we suspect
- Lou Pinella has no idea what the score is. All he knows is, if the team is smiling, they're leading.
- The Boo-Hoo Crew will still be boo-hooing come October
- Two of the best hitters in the game are in the NL central
- Neither of them are on the Cubs - yet.

Can't complain about a series win, but you can complain about Jeff F*cking Sam(F7)a. He's proven yet again that 1 pitch just ain't gonna cut it in the majors. It barely makes it in the minors. He needs to go. As soon as Lilly comes back. Tylermania! is alive and well. Soriano has been put on notice, even though he hasn't. Sadly, we're stuck with that crap for another 4 years, 150+ games.

Next up are the b-slapped Astros who may actually be worse than the Pirates this year...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Reflections on Cincy

Things we know
- The bullpen still sucks
- It will suck for a long, long time
- They can't blow it every game
- They sure can give it a shot.

Things we suspect
- Maybe the Cubs didn't get hosed on Silva
- Zambrano doesn't suck, but that doesn't mean he's great
- Sean Marshall may save this bullpen single-handed
- The 8th inning will be our Achilles heel

Coughing up the lead in two games over the weekend during the in the 8th inning is painting a pretty clear picture on how much we need Lilly to come back and move Gorzy back into the bullpen.

In the meantime, one week in, it's too small a sample size to make any sort of definitive opinion, but it ain't pretty so far. I get the sense this season is going to be very much like when we as kids used to download naughty pictures with our modems over the course of an hour or two - one line at a time. Sadly though, it will take far too long to determine whether this picture will of Christina Applegate or Margret Thatcher.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Reflections on Atlanta

Things we know:

- Zambrano is not, nor is he ever likely to be, our Ace
- We need Ted Lilly
- Our bullpen blows hairy donkey balls
- I am apparently, a bad Cubs fan

Things we suspect:

- Randy Wells got some cheese.
- He can pitch too
- Tylermania! is overrated, but it'll be a fun ride until it blows a tire
- Marlon Byrd can only hit home runs.

Was Atlanta bad? You betcha. Will break our season? No. Our bad bullpen will break our season. It was a bad series, magnified by the fact that it was opening weekend. Had this series happened in June, it'd still be bad, but it probably wouldn't look as bad. So really the only thing we should take away from this series is Carlos Zambrano should never pitch the opener for anything ever again.

Monday, April 5, 2010

I'm a fan. Not a f*cking idiot

So my fandom was called into question today because I was a bit sardonic about our Cubs' (specifically a certain "Ace") performance today. The tweets in question were:
- @oneminutecubs you're getting pretty annoying.
- @oneminutecubs are you a cubs fan, or no?
- @oneminutecubs you're acting like this game is how the rest of the season is going to go. #shutup
- @oneminutecubs how about you find a new team?
Guess what, Punky Brewster - Kiss my fuzzy ones.

Just because I don't like the performance of my team that I dedicate my mind, soul, money and heart to, doesn't mean I have to blindly find the good in it, and pretend the rest doesn't exist. It does exist, and at the moment, it was kicking me in the nuts.

I'm not so sure what I said that 349 other followers didn't care about but got your panties in a bunch. It was certainly consistent with what the rest of the twittersphere (At least the ones I follow) were saying. Mine is one of the below:

- If they're all like this / 161 more / I doubt I can take

- So...maybe Big Z is trying to get EVERY SINGLE bad play out of his system now? .......It's about time for a balk

- I'm starting to think I'll be enjoying #TheComedyOfZ this year.

- No way Z calmly walks into the dugout after this inning. So much for the new Z

So which one is mine? It must really be jumping of the page at you. Oh wait.

What it boils down to is you can be a fan, or you can be an idiot. Or in this case, both. You have a choice in this - Stop fucking following me. I will not beg, nor will I apologize. I make no secret of what I will say nor how I will say it. And 349 other people seem to get a kick out of it.

Take your lonely ass back to momma's basement and call me when you get a clue. I'll be over here at the smart kids table taking time to understand what I'm seeing, not just someone who douses their drawers when dreamy Derrek Lee hits a ball a long, long way.

Ring ring

You get a phone cal out of the blue and there's your old friend on the other end of the line, hoping to catch up with you. Hey! Whatcha been doing?

Well, we picked up a new centerfielder. Seems like a good guy. Great with kids and the best part is, his mom doesn't take interviews. We also brought back all the oldies-but-goodies, Zambrano, Lee, Ramirez, you know. The whole gang.

We miss Jake, but there's this new guy Tyler. He's a real spark plug. He put on 25 pounds over the winter, just like uncle Morty, but in an entirely different, and much less scary way. He's been hitting the bejezus out of the ball. We're not POSITIVE he can hit a curveball, but we'll find out soon enough.

We've got some new kids, John and Ezmiralda or something like that. They'll be just fine, but a little...oh let's say raw. They looked really good pitching against those first graders in AZ, so we're sure they'll be fine. How are you?

"Oh, me? Good. Making fudge."


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sleep deprived predictions and other sheep.

Baaaa...Yeah I'm freakin' tired. Couldn't sleep last night. That may skew my results and if it does, 75% of these were slated to be wrong anyway, so fahrfugnugen.

The Cubs will be an annoyingly average team this year and pound out 86 wins which will not do the job in the NL Central. The Cubs will finish 2nd in the division and 5th in the Wild Card and 12 in Miss Congeniality.

Derrek Lee will get off to his typically slow start and there will be calls for Kevin Millar to replace him except Millar will already have signed with the White Sox beacuse, well, f*ck the Cubs. Teases...

Aramis will spend approximately 36 days on the DL after his shoulder grabs a random lamp he's passing by and smacks him in the shins with it. The shoulder will receive probation and community service.

The "New" Z will spend 6 1/2 - no, not days - innings with his new persona until Soriano commits his first error of the season at around 5:00 CST in Atlanta, and then go completely Bat-Sh*t crazy for the rest of the season. He will win 26 games and come in second for Cy Young voting to Mark Grace who will pitch one perfect inning of relief during a 21 - 3 loss in a Father-Son game.

On a related note, Zambrano will also start a twitter account, @crazierthanOzzie and will pull a hamstring while tweeting about Wonder Years reruns.

Marlon Byrd will be driven out of town - by a chauffeur - whenever he flies. But that really won't make news so forget I mentioned it.