2011 Headlines

That's right kids, it's that time of year again when we break out the headlines and unspin them for you -

Headline: Things get heated as Cubs try to polish fielding - And by "polish fielding", we mean "not suck"

Pack Your Bags, Kids - There's No More Room For Us Here

According to Joe Cowley that is. You don't know who that is? Not surprising, he's the beat writer for the second baseball team in Chicago. But according to him, the White Sox are not the second team any more. No according to him, this is a Sox town now. ORLY? Yes a Sox town. Here's his proof -

1. The Sox were on Survivor.
2. The Cubs sell more tickets than the Sox.
3. The Sox MIGHT do okay this year with basically the same team, only no closer.

Wait what?

Yes.

Really?

According to Joe.

No Shit?

No shit.

Is Albert Worth It?

So here's a question Cubs fans - Is Albert worth it? Albert Pujlos is reportedly going to test the free agent market after this season, since his deadline for extension negotiations doesn't seem likely. If he hit's the open market, several journalists on a local and national level have targeted the Cubs as potential suitors - and they're not wrong.

With Fukudome and Ramirez money coming off the books following 2011, the Cubs could potentially pay Pujols what he wants - reportedly 30 mil per year for 10 years - and not add too much onto current payroll. But do we want to?

Albert Pujols will be 32 years old next year, arguably by most measures "about to leave his prime". A 10 year contract will make him a 42 year old earning 30 million dollars, undoubtedly with a no trade clause. If Jim Hendry negotiates the deal, he might be making more on a back loaded contract. So is a 42 year old worth $30 million.

I would argue that Pujols at 75-80 percent is better than a lot of guys at 100. There's a lot to take in here, so I'll just start the ball rolling with this post. Feel free to comment, chime in. This will not be the last post about this - I guarantee it. Unless of course he signs and extension. In which case never mind.

Cubs Convention Induced Optimistic Post Of The Year

So, the Cubs are going to be crap this year. We all know it despite what wonders Garza will do for our rotation. As Lou preached for 4 years - "If you can't score runs, you can't win."

But wait.

Fukudome is going to be introduced to the fine American tradition known as "the contract year" and he's going to be raking all year long, trying to finally justify earning half the money he's made.

Byrd, Pena, Soriano and A-Ram will power this offense fueled by the hard pounding Castro and the slap hitting and plucky DeWitt into a formidable force. Soto will provide his usual combination of light power and solid consistency to round out this font of offense. Here's the lineup-

Fuke, Castro, Byrd, A-Ram, Pena, Sori, Soto, DeWitt, Pitcher

And SPEAKING of pitching. O. M. G.

Zambrano's anger management will morph into knitting and Parcheesi and he'll turn in a 22 win season because of it. Garza will feast on the crap that is NL Hitting and come in second in Cy Young contention. Dempster will break his arm celebrating an almost win (foiled by an inconceivable double play) but he will STILL turn in 30 solid starts (it was his left arm after all) and win a Gold Cast award - the first of it's kind.

Wells and Gorzelanny will both continue to mature and fill out the back end of the rotation, with Silva having been traded to the Cardinals and Yankees for Puljos, Jeter, and a PTBNL (They'll both be assigned to Iowa, so they can routinely bitch-slap the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.)

The bullpen, with the 7th, 8th, and 9th being in the capable hands of Marshall, Woody, and Marmol will surely get the blood pumping, but all will fall in defeat to the 3 Kings of K's.

In the end, the Cubs will coast through the playoffs and into their first World Series in a dozen Presidents and win it in 5, having lost game 2 to Carlo Silva's left butt cheek in a 1-0 thriller.

Can I get just one more WTF?

Cubs trade 5 prospects for Matt Garza.

WTF? Ok, don't get me wrong, I don't hate this trade, like so many vocal others. I'll explain why in a bit, but this DOES seemingly run contrary to any reason expectation for 2011, which is total loss. To say otherwise is foolish. So, trading away 5 prospects for a solid starting pitcher seems foolhardy. Garza joins the ranks of Zambrano, Dempster, Wells, Cashner, and a gaggle of other good-very good pitchers in a rotation that's lacking a sense of elbow room. Which heads will fall next?

Having said that, I don't hate this trade for two reasons -

1. Garza coming to the NL, and especially the NL Central can be a force to be reckoned with a 15-10 record in the AL East is pretty hefty and nothing to shake a stick at. When Dempster and Zambrano depart, Garza could be 1/3 of a solid rotation with Wells and a PTBNL.

2. When you look at who we traded away -
Sam Fuld - going nowhere, but plucky.
Chris Archer - as naysayers have touted often and loudly, the Cubs have plenty of pitching. The Cubs would probably just F*ck him up anyway.
Brandon Guyer - Utility outfielder a.k.a. Tyler Colvin beta.
Robinson Chirinos - Power hitting catcher a.k.a. Geo Soto beta
Hak-Ju Lee - Sweet hitting and fielding shortstop a.k.a. Starlin Castro beta.

So we basically gave away 3 guys we already had and one guy who will be in several years the guy we just got. So what did we lose? 4 years of downtime waiting for Archer to cook all the way through - if he ever does.

Take a proven commodity over one who may or may not pan out. He won't be the savior of 2011, but he may do some good things in 12 or 13. Meantime, we can let the other guys go eat at the kids table.

WTF? Rated R because cansoring just wouldn't do it justice.

As I tweeted earlier in the year, this is shaping up to be one of the what-the-fuckiest off-seasons I can remember. So, with the closing of this year, and happy birthday to me, I wanted to reflect on what we've seen thus far.

White Sox sign Adam Dunn - WTF?? Having already passed on Jim Thome last year because they wanted more speed, the White Sox finally realized what a colossal clustershpeep that was and attempted to make up for it by signing the beta version of Thome, a.k.a. Adam "Big Dumb animal" Dunn. Don't get me wrong. Dunn will have a monster season or three in the Cell, and he'll make a lot of folks wonder why people even remember the name "Thome", but it is a complete 180 from the 180 the White Sox pulled last year. If I were a White Sox fan, I'd be pretty confused right now. But then I'd also be fucking my cousin, so I guess win-win.

Cardinals sign Lance Berkman. WTF? Don't they already have a first baseman? Well, yeah. They kinda do. But Lance wasn't signed to be a first baseman. WTF? Yes. He was signed to be a left fielder. He couldn't stay healthy as a statue at first base, so let's have him run around and throw farther than 40 feet. WTF? Don't they already have a left fielder? You bet your bippy they do. You might remember him. Soriano money got what-we-wish-Soriano-still-had power? Soriano defense too. They're moving him to right. No shit.

Jayson Werth signs with Nationals for 7 years and 62 bajillion dollars - Government spending at its best. At least when Soriano signed, the Cubs had a shot. At least when Holliday signed, the Cardinals had a shot. All the Gnats have is Mark Prior junior and a prospect who can hit the hell out of high school pitching. When even Congress calls your deal a "waste of money" you know you fucked up. I can't imagine another team anywhere in the world looking at that contract and telling themselves "Yeah, that's about right." But the fact that a useless team is now saddled with an immovable albatross of a contract, well hey. Cubs fans can sympathize. Good fukken luck, to both the Gnats and apparently-not-Werthless. You deserve each other.

Hey, OMC - this is a CUBS blog right? Oh yes. I have not forgotten....

The Cubs sign Carlos Pena for tenfuckingmilliondollars - don't get me wrong. I can't deny the drawing power a .196 hitter commands, but this is a farce. I'm still waiting for the cameras to pop out. 10 million dollars? Look, I'm not saying Pena won't be decent, but at least we could pay The Hoff the league minimum and get, what 10 less home runs? 5th place instead of 4th? Why are the Cubs wasting 10 million dollars on a lost season? Keep your heads down. Weather the storm for one more year of big money-small results players and reset when the payroll resets.

Or add another Carlos. What the hell?

Kerry is a Koming Home.

In honor of Kid K...

Kerry Wood is koming home. Despite reports I've heard to the kontrary, Jim Hendry simply did not want Kerry Wood bakk in the bullpen 3 years ago. Didn't matter that Wood would've played for a happy meal-a-day. Hendry said he didn't have the money, Kerry said, "That's kool. Give me what you kan," and Jimmy said, "No seriously. Get out."

Further kementing this belief is the fakt that Woody is onke again wearing blue pinstripes, after turning down a sekond year and 2 million extra dollars from the White Sox.

I for one am happy to see Kid K kome bakk. I don't think he'll make or break this team - it's already broken. But it's good to see the lokal boy kome bakk to a home he klearly didn't really want to leave in the first plake. Welkome bakk Kerry. We sukk now, but at least you're kinda used to that from Kleveland.

Carlospalooza

Good thing we put last names on the uniforms. So the latest Cub to join the cavalcade of CArlos is Carlos Pena, your new first baseman. Oh sure. a lot of people are going to look at his .196 average and...well that's really as far as you need to look. Yes he is a power guy, and yes he can probably hit 30-35 hrs this summer. but if that's all he hits, well lets just say your vacation plans for October won't be including any tickets. Which isn't to sayt the Cubs had a snowball's chance in hell to begin with, but it's all good.

Far more interesting is the prospect of a potential Matt Garza trade. Garza's got some pretty numbers on his side, but of course it would depend heavily on what the package would include.

Slightly less interesting is the Brandon Webb possibility. Say it with me Jimmy - incentive- heavy.

All told, this is shaping up to be the what-the-fuckiest offseason in recent memory. But we'll talk more about that later.

Rest in Peace Ron...

Today is indeed a dark day for Cubs Nation. Say what you want about Ron Santo - and Lord knows, I've said things - if there wasw one man who represented the heart of this team, it was Ron Santo. For those of you just now hearing the news, Ron Santo passed away last night at the age of 70. I actually heard about it a while before everyone else did. I got a text, from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend that you've been messing around.

I openly criticized Ron, at every opportunity, on his broadcasting abilities. But at the end of the day, he was almost universally loved by anyone who donned a Cubs hat or jersey - professionally or otherwise. The man laid everything out there to be seen/heard and made no apologies. I didn't enjoy that style, but many, many, many of you did, so who am I to argue. What I do know is that Cubdom has lost an icon and a legend, and is a little sadder for it - which is pretty darn sad after 102 years. So no jokes here Ronny. I owe you that much. Just gonna tip my cap to you and click my heels together and know they you're in that Big World Series in the sky.

Cheers Ron. Put in a good word to the Big Guy for us.

So Long Larry...

Larry Rothchild announced yesterday that he was leaving the Cubs to go be pitching coach for the guy who should be the manager of the Cubs right now, Joe Girardi. Thus, the latest rats jumps ship. Can't really blame him though. He'll be able to spend 6 extra days with his family - the most craptastic excuse he mentioned yesterday. Bottom line, like Lou, he's realized this team is going nowhere fast so he's jumping ship to the Yank-my-Crotches.

I have had a colored history with Larry. I hated him when every Cubs pitcher on the roster was on Medicare in the early 2000's, but since then, pitching has been one of the Cubs' strengths - you know, as long as you don't count the bullpen - so maybe he wasn't doing that bad a job.

Like just about any coach, he's entirely replaceable. I find it interesting that Musky the Cub didn't list Greg Maddux as a potential replacement. It's very possbile he simply doesn't want the job, but I'd kick a sack full of puppies if it'd get him to try.

Ryno's hissy fit

Ryno made it official recently. If the Cubs can't see how awesome he is, and if they don't think 4 long hard arduous years in the minor makes him ready to manged Superstars, well they can just go bugger off.

I suspected after initially getting passed over that Ryno was outti15000, but I suspected that after he looked around and saw the barren wasteland that was his managerial opportunities, he might realize that 4 years ain't "paying your dues". It's barely a down payment of paying your dues.

Obviously, Mike Quade has more experience managing in both the minors and in the majors. But is he a fukken
Hall of Famer? I think not.

So in the words of what Lou Piniella would say:

"Look, ahh, son. I understand that you might think people don't like you, but ahhh, it's not that at all. It's just that you need to get some time under your belt and ahhh get out there and play the...er, I mean manage the damn game, dude,"

Dusty? Where did you come from?

I am Jack's compete lack of surprise

WQow. Who could've seen this coming? Mike Quade is the new Cubs manager. I'm stifling yawns as we speak. Just goes to show ya Cubs fans - Buckle in. It's going to be a looooong couple of years. The good thing is, management seems to realize this and realize that things are bad now and they're going to have to suck a lot to get better.

Quade's a place holder for a couple of years for when this team might potentially not suck. Whether he's keeping the seat warm for Girardi, Sandberg or some other manager remains to be seen. The philosophy here is "This team is going to be full of kids, who will probably suck, so let's plug in a guy who can help these kids not suck a little and someone we can fire without drawing the ire of the idiots, er I mean fans"

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mike Quade

Fanfare!

For whom the bell rings....

So if you're like me, you've probably forgotten that there's baseball going on right now. Yes, there is. Sorta. Nobody I give a rat's butt about is playing, so I could care less, but then we'd be talking about soccer. So I heard something like this on the radio once, and I've been kicking around this random thought for a while now and I thought I'd share it with you both, er, I mean all.

A Ringer Draft.

It is exactly what it sounds like - A Ringer Draft. Each postseason, after the final game has been played, each team in the post season gets to "Draft" one player from a non-contending team to join their team as part of the roster. This can be any player - position or pitcher to be used as seen fit. There are a few rules:

1. Teams choose from best record to worst - Wild Card teams pick last. The best teams get the best players, period.
2. The team selecting the player pays that player's salary, including any missed time that may come from an injury. If Albert Pujols goes down with a torn ACL, the Yankees pay for his DL time too.
3. Drafting a ringer is optional, because...
4. The "Ringer" replaces one man on the 25 man roster. Someone's getting left out.
5. The Ringer, and the Ringer's team must both consent to the draft.
6. A portion of postseason revenues goes to the team who is lending out said player.

There are obviously more rules and regs that would follow, but it might make things a touch more interesting for fans of teams the ringers come from. I know I'd pay at elast a little attention of Marmol went to the Rangers or something similar. and I know what you're all thinking - What a STUPID idea. I mean what if one of your players got hurt while playing in a game that meant nothing to their team? It's not like this is the All-Star game or anything...

Offseason Moves - First Base

There are far, far too many options to lay out a best case/worst case scenario here, so let's just dive into it.

First off, I wouldn't at all mind seeing what Xavier Nady can do with a full season at first base and an off season separated from shoulder surgery. Second, the only reason I would hate to see Adam Dunn playing there is because I would then have to root for him, and no longer call him a "big dumb animal". Third, Paul Konerko playing really well in a contract year is no surprise. Not ready to throw him a treasure chest just yet.

There are a lot of options available for first base this year. You will hear a lot of clamoring for Adam Dunn, whom fans either love or hate with nothing in between. Some will argue a pigeon will catch as many balls at first base as Dunn will, others will argue that while that may be so, the pigeon will not be able to fly farther then the balls leaving Dunn's bat day. after day after day. Dunn will also want a pile of money for a team that will be knocking at the door of fourth place next year - no thank you.

I would like to see Xavier Nady sign another similar contract to this years' $3.3ish and if so, then 1.5 good years of Nady for 7 million will be the best FA signing of Jim Hendry's career.

If Paul Konerko wants to be a veteran presence for a discounted price then he would be a find. If he wants to ask more than 10mil per for more than 3 years, he'll be joining his old buddy Jermaine of the gold course.

Given a choice between PK and Dunn for 10 mil, I'd have a tough time deciding, but I'd have to go with Dunn. Yikes.

All this is moot since we'll probably end up with Lyle Overbay for 16 years/227 million, but hey. That's Jimmy!

Off season moves - The Manager

Best case scenario - Joe Girardi
Worst Case Scenario - Ryne Sandberg
What'll probably happen - Mike Quade

Yes, I said it. Sandberg is the worst-case scenario, but maybe not for the reason you think. Here's the deal. Sandberg is universally loved throughout Cubdumb and managers, especially managers hired during rebuilding years, are hired to be fired. Ryno hasn't proven himself a winner in AAA yet, let alone at the big-boy table. He hasn't even coached in the show yet, and 90% of the idiots out there are ready to hand him the keys to the castle.

Joe Girardi has proven that he can win with kids - Marlins, and with seasoned professionals - New York, is a media powder keg with a merciless owner. He also is a local boy with Cubbie ties and is close enough to please the unwashed masses with his Cubbie charm. He is also not an idiot and knows that the Cubs will not contend next year, or probably the year after. Therefore leaving the Yankees and going to the Cubs would be like hopping off a cruise liner to go sailing in a dinghy - with holes in it.

Therefore, we will likely end up with Quade, who despite his ridiculous insistence on letting Bobby Scales get dressed, seems to have a handle on this team - in September. But honestly, the teams they've faced - the Cardinals, Giants, Padres - have all been serious cookies, and the Cubs have handled themselves decently - not great, and not really good either, but decently.

Should be an interesting off season -

Next up, first base.

Shish-KaColvin-Bob

So Bud,

The good news is we proved Tyler Colvin is not a vampire. The bad news is, we had to drive a maple stake into his chest to prove it. So my question, Buddy boy, is how many more players, coaches, fans and umpires will have to be skewered before we put a ban on these ridiculous injury machines?

Maybe a lawsuit or two?

Players, broadcasters, managers have all come forward to publicly condemn maple bats for their tendency to not shatter into a million pieces. Rather, they tend to shatter into just a few large sharpened stakes that fly in seemingly random directions.

Today's incident - yeah, we'll call it an "incident" - is just the latest in a long line of incidents in which people have been seriously injured by these things and they need to go.

Reflections on seasons lost...

Things we know
- Lou Piniella was not the answer
- Mike Quade isn't either
- The Cubs aren't as bad as we thought they were this year, but they're also not as good as we hoped.

Things we suspect
- Ryne Sandberg will be the Cubs manager next year
- The Cubs will still suck, even after 3 or 4 good moves.
- Jim Hendry should start typing his resume next August

The Cubs managed to fall flat once again this year - Lee and Ramirez never had their usual May turn around. And the rest of the roster amazingly failed to match their career years in 2008. Soriano managed to play a full season without leading off once, however arguably, the Theriot/Fukudome/Baker/DeWitt combo didn't do a whole lot better - just less home runs. Soto managed to put together a decent year, along with Sori and Ramirez is starting to make us all feel a bit better about him returning. Byrd is the freakin' word this year, so we hope he'll continue as such next year.

Wait...the year's not over? Well shoot. Ok.

It's over...

The White Sox losing to the Twins last night pretty much put the final nail in their coffin for this season. I'll admit, this season, I wanted the Sox to fail more than ever before. Maybe it was because they were supposed to suck like the Cubs. But more than anything, I wanted them to fail just to shut their fans up. Sue me.

Since the loss last night, I really now officially have nothing to cheer for the rest of this dismal god-awful season. Sure I can perk up when Colvin or Castro come to the plate. I'd sure love to see Castro finish the season higher than Joey Votto in the batting title race, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is developing the kids and putting together a good off-season.

A few thoughts on the off season. Jabba the Hendry's got a tough job ahead of him. He has to put together a decent team that can contend for 3rd place, and not sell the future on a loser next year. Anyone who is deluded enough to think that next year will be it, I've got news for you... The Cubs will have one more shot at a World Series before the world ends in December of 2012, and it will be in 2012. and it's a slim shot at best.

We'll talk more about off season moves/manager searching later. For now, just strap in and try to ride out the next couple of weeks. It's ok. It'll all be over soon.

Why should we care?

So the Cubs are pushing hard for a strong fifth place finish, and it makes me wonder - Why? Why do we still care? Well, if attendance is anything to look at - we don't. Attendance numbers being based on tickets sold being a ridiculous barometer, you can look at the M-T bleachers and see where the passion for this team is. It's in the bars, watching Bears preseason games. Because as bad as they are, the Bears are slightly better than the Cubs. Maybe.

But anyway. Why should we bother watching the rest of these pointless games? I'm going to lay out a few reasons for you. Some good, some bad.

Castro, Colvin, Cashner, Barney, Hoffpaiur, Berg, Russel, DeWitt, Marmol.

There's your future folks. If you're curious as to how many games you should buy tickets for next year, there's your answer. Have fun. It's almost over.

Fare thee well Lou, The "Screw you Trammel" Edition

Thanks to @TheCubsInHaiku for the picture:

Photoshop courtesy of me.