Monkeys playing with their own poop

Would someone please explain to me why we're all root root rooting for these
dipsh1ts? What are we thinking? Adding insult to injury tonight, Lou Piniella has gone freakin batty now. Let's examine this move here -

Well, gee, I've got my left-handed (remember the l;eft handed crap????) third-baseman whoi is noramlly a second baseman playing out of position, comeing up to bat against a leftly reliever. I have the Hoff, Johnson, Ramirez, and Soto on my bench (and Gathright, but we don't really count him), let's see who I should pinch hit with -
A. The Hoff - nah lefty lefty combo.
B. Soto - Eh, he's been kinda weak recently, and I'm not sure I want to use my backup catcher in a pinch hitting role.
C. Ramirez - Pinch hit a natural, right handed, clutch hitting, third baseman for a third baseman playing out of position?

No, no, no. Here's a better idea - I'll pinch hit my weak-hitting center fielder, and THEN, I'll play my catcher at third base and put my backup catcher behind the plate.

Now, go ahead. Tell me I'm second-guessing. F-You. F-You hard at night. this isn't second guessing. This is common freaking sense.

What in God's name are we watching here????

Twittering Tweets

Just FYI folks - I update twitter far more often than I do the blog. If it can be said in 140 char or less, that's where it goes.

Most folks would say I'm more tolerable in small doses anyway...

I also accept any and all friend requests on Facebook.

http://oneminutecubs.blogspot.com/2009/03/omc-on-web.html

Reflections on Arizona

Lefties scare the bejesus out of our newly-refurbished left handed lineup.
In order to be successful, you have to know your role, even if that means you have to sit down for the currently-superior catcher - Koyie Hill.
Lou doesn't know that.
Arizona is not a Cub-friendly environment.
May may not be considered "early" anymore.
The Cubs got off to a slow start last year too - but not this slow.
Derrek needs to move down.
Milt tripled his hit count over the weekend and broke that elusive triple-digit batting average barrier.
The Cubs can walk in runs too.

Reflections on St. Louis

The Cardinals are better than we all expected.
The Cubs aren't.
One cannot expect an offensive onslaught when one's four best hitters can't play - unless it's Sunday
Lou Piniella is Milton Bradley's prison b-$%6.
Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan's kung fu is very strong
Daddy got Chris Duncan his job - that and the fact that he can hit the piss out of the ball.
Ron Santo is only alive because Pat Hughes keeps pulling him off the ledge.
It's only 17 games in, so it's early. But not THAT early.
We have found the one bench player even more worthless than Felix Pie - and he jumps over BMW's.

Top ten reasons why Jim Hendry sucked (base)balls this offseaon

The top 5 involve Mark DeRosa.
10. Signed Paul Bako to a 1 year deal worth $750,000 as backup catcher, only to realize later that a guy who cut off his hand catches throws and bats better. Meanwhile, the mentor of your now slumping primo catcher signed for the same price to the Padres.
9. Failed to close the door on Jake Peavy while the Padres were in a position of weakness. Now they're winning, and we suck. Good for you for not taking the ridiculous 5 for 1 deal, but you shoulda whittled it down to a 3 for 1 or something similar.
8. Signed the hot headed, but who really gives a crap about that, and more importantly INJURY PRONE Milton Bradley who right now is a 30-million dollar bench player.
7. Failed to resign Kerry Wood for a 1 year deal. Even at 10 million, which I honestly don't beleive it would've taken, he effectively turned a huge strength last year into a huge weakness this year. The loss of a dominant power pitcher at the end of the bullpen cannot be unerestimated.
6. Focused far too much on which side of the plate someone stands on without paying attention to other minor points, like i don't know, the ability to play.

And now...the D-Ro 5....

5. Traded Mark DeRosa, eliminating a clubhouse leader, a versatile player, a clutch hitter, and a fan favorite - not a good days work.
4. Attempted to repalce him with Aaron Miles, who is a switch hitter, but only plays middle infield positions. This would be the same Aaron Miles who the Cardinals did not want. This would be the same Cardinals who are now using a left fielder to play second base - Miles' position. If that's not a warning sign, I don't know what is.
3. Effectively eliminated a reasonable backup for Aramis Ramirez, who by the way, had to leave yesterday's game iwth a calf strain and seems headed for the DL.
2. Only received 3 prospects in the trade. Yes, I said prospects, not one of which is even close to ML ready. This move did not ultimately culminate in a Peavy trade making it a complete and total failure.
1. With two players not playing - Milt and Ramy - the missing D-Ro is magnified because he played both of those positions remarkably well.

So, in summary, while I have been a Hendry fan in the past, this past winter we completely dropped his kibble and obsessed with left-handed hitting, when just hitting would've sufficed.

You reap what you sow

Here is the latest and greatest from Musky the cub. Bradley, it seems doesn't like talking about being injured or him not hitting.
"You come in here and all they want to talk about is how often you get hurt and your attitude and everything. I've given them an example right off the bat. I just don't feel like getting caught up in all the negativity."

Here's a thought Milt - Stop getting hurt and hit the ball. Guess what? You can't not be hurt - this should be old to you by now. You've been on the DL so often, people are starting to think you retired. Get over it. You can't come to Chicago and be surprised that people - and by the way I should say - a $^&%load of people want to talk about you being a hot head in a wheelchair.

If the shoe fits, Milty.

Oh and by the way -

Abreu - AVG - .373 OBP - .433 SLG - .407 OPS - .840

I'm not sayin' - I'm just sayin'

Reflections on Cincy

Ouch...that one hurt.
The first series we lost this year - Cincy.
Their pitching is pretty good.
Ours isn't.
Griffy? Dunn? Who needs 'em?
2 weeks does not a season make, but batting below the Mendoza line does not a baseball player make.
Ahem, Fontenot, Miles, Bradley.
Lilly may very well be the most consistently good pitcher on this staff.
That's a scary thought.
Samardzija may not be the answer.
We're not sure what the question is yet.
Soriano is not carrying us any more. Our 10 days are up. Please check back around the end of May. And as always, thank you for calling.

The Return of Dusty...

Here's a story by Gordo Today - We're gonna break this one down a bit...

Three years later, all Dusty Baker has to do is walk on the field to make a pitching change with his new team, and the boos rain down from the stands at Wrigley Field -- the chorus every time he emerged from the Cincinnati dugout Tuesday night.

Cubs veterans who played for him in Chicago day he doesn't deserve it.

Um, yeah, he kinda does...MAYBE 3 years is a little extreme, but, yeah....he kinda does..

''I don't really understand it. I don't know what he did to still be getting booed here,'' said first baseman Derrek Lee, whose Florida Marlins ended Baker's first-year October run with the Cubs in 2003 before he played the next three seasons under Baker.

Well Derrek - he kinda sucked - a lot and failed to keep the team from sucking and made LaTroy a closer, and played Neifi all the time, and killed Wood and Prior's arms, and you get the idea....

''It's a little disappointing,'' he added.

So was 2006...

''It wasn't his fault,'' said third baseman Aramis Ramirez, who played all four seasons with Baker in Chicago. ''I mean, nobody could manage that team we had in [2006]. We had guys coming from AA. [Carlos] Marmol was a starter. We had Juan Mateo -- you guys don't even remember him, probably. We just had a bad team, and it's not his fault.

I know A-Ram...you're so right. I mean that'd be a improbable as, oh I don't know, managing an 83 win team into a World Series title...

''If you give Dusty a good team, I guarantee, he'll be in the playoffs, too.'

If you give ME a good team, I'll get you in the playoffs...

And Lou, I might actually win a game....

Reflections on St. Louis

April can be a "Playoff Atmosphere"
Daddy got Chris Duncan his job.
The Cardinals aren't as bas as we expected this year - but they still suck.
Ryan Ludwick is going to be a PITA this year.
Alfonso Soriano can lead off just as long as he wants - and shut up about it.
Ramirez remain the best clutch hitter on the Cubs and maybe in baseball.
Gregg can, in fact, pitch more than 1 inning.
Cleveland Indians - HOLY CRAP!! - not from our series, but noteworthy enough to mention.
The Cardinals are and always will be securely bent over at the waist right in front of us with their pants around their ankles.

Reflections on Colorado

Baseball players from DENVER Complain about our cold.
It was really freakin' cold on opening day
4 pound pretzels are really hard to find, especially when nobody knows they have them.
Cubs fans will boo anyone who is no longer a Cub, including those who left involuntarily and those who almost died.
Lilly was a sleeper all the years before he became a Cub and is a lot better than anyone gives him credit for.
Reed is an average player who has milliseconds of greatness at JUST the right time.
Marquis wasn't as bad as everyone thought - today he was better.
Fontenot can play 3rd base, but don't quit your day job.
It's ridiculously hard to keep track of who's who when everyone wears the same number and no names on their backs. Except Reed - He looks like Scott Ian...

The Pretzel Saga...

Took my wife to Opening day for her birthday - yes, I have a wife who's cool enough to accept opening day tickets for as a b0day present. When we go there, she tells me about this 4-pound pretzel that everyone is talking aobut and how she really wants one. Ok, sweetie muffin honeycake, I'll get you one. So off I go. Bear in mind, we're sitting in section 236, which is almost on Sheffield Ave.

I went to the concourse, or "the basement" as I like to call it, and ask the first vendor I see. He blinks twice and says "go that way" and points to his right, which is by the waty the only way I can go without leaving the park. So I stop by another conseccion counter. Enter "Deer in headlights" guy who turns to the counter manager person, who also looks lost, but with an unmistakable air of authority to their losticity. They tell me to go near the main gate. Ok. So I go to a place by the main gate, and ask and they say "Go to stand 1" Ohhh..hey..stand one. That sounds like official terminology, so that's gotta be right. Stand 1 by the way is about 6 feet away from Waveland Ave - Remember where I said I was sitting? So I get to stand one, and they have no idea what I'm talking about, but I should try and find a roving vendor in the stands...right...So I go up stairs, back into the stands and find an usher who looks like they're just a hair under 85 - must be new - and ask them. No idea. right. So I climb the stairs, and ask another usher - this is because there are no vendors wandering the empty stands 30 min before scheduled game time (and aobut 90 min before actual game time) - go figure - and they tell me to go ask the stand that's right under the radio booth. Ok...So I ask them. They say they've gotta be in the concourse. Uh huh. so back down I go. I find another styand, and I'm told stand #7. Really? Where's that? oh you see right over there? Yeah. They have them...alrighty! Hi, are you stand 7? Great. Can I have a 4 pound pretzel.......Yeah...no idea. So I turn aorund and start my way back, when suddently it hits me - Customer Service - they gotta know. Excuse me, do you know where I can buy a 4 pound pretzel? And here's the words I've been looking for - "No, but I will find out...one moment." YES! I'm going to get my pretzel!!
So Morty comes down. His name is not actually Morty, but I call him Morty cuz he looks like a Morty. So Morty leads me to this place called "The Blue W" and there it is...One vendor among 100 that sells these damn pretzels and can I have one of those? 15 bucks?!?!? Fine..give me the dang pretzel.

And it was mine and it was good. My wife was very happy, and as they say on 'GN - Happy wife, Happy life.

Pictures to follow.

Reflections on Milwaukee...

Our closer can't do more than 3 outs.
Our offense has a good chance of digging us out of any holes our bullpen digs
Milton - told ya so...
Fonzie and Aramis are both cadillacin' it on routine grounders.
Fonzie is a game changer - offensively in a good way, defensively in a bad way.
No doubles doesn't always mean no doubles.
Maybe Fuku won't suck as bad as we all thought....but he still might.
Prince won't offer at the inside breaking ball.

The definitive guide to locating the four pound pretzel

That's right, I said 4 pound pretzel. Lots of folks have been talking about this thing, but I actually found it.

So the first thing you need to know is: Don't ask anybody. You will only confuse them and be told something that will get you as far away from the person you are asking as possible.
Second, it's called a northside twist, but this information will not help you.
Third, they say it's a two pound pretzel, not 4 pound - by the time I found it, I did not care. Nor did I care about the $15 price tag.
Step 1. Go to the concourse.
Step 2. Proceed in the direction of the main gate behind home plate.
Step 3. Once at the gate turn away from them.
Step 4. Locate 'The Blue W'. This is a vendor, not a flag or a letter of the alphabet.
Step 5. Ask the cashier for the big friggin' pretzel.
Step 6. Do the happy dance.
Step 7. Post an appreciative comment here...You're welcome.

Dang....Aren't we critical??

Check out Gordo's latest on last night's clusterf%&^:
Cubs still out of sync
Some highlights:

• The cocktail party is over
  
• ...Ryan Theriot's back-footed throw from deep in the shortstop hole...
  
• ...Gregg's 3-2 slider to nondescript Chris Duffy... <--Bulletin board material!
  
• ...and a nine-game homestand in front of a crowd with little tolerance for shaky closers.
  
• ...Miles hit into a double play to end the inning. And Marmol was spent for nothing.
  
• But Piniella also promised ''adjustments'' if needed. And it won't take many finishes like this one for that to happen.
  

I mean, that's nothing compared to some of the stuff I've said over the past 10 months, but I'm a blogger. I can get away with that :) I'm not saying I disagree with any of it - far from it - but it's not the type of journalism I've come to expect.

Just interesting is all. BTW: In the interest of being fair, I don't plan to jump on the "Fire Gregg" bandwagon until he reaches 5 Blown Saves - Kerry Wood had 6 last year and everyone love him.

I WILL say tho - Gregg is NOT Wood, nor should Hendry have pretended he was. You could've signed Wood for a song and you said "No thanks, we've got Gregg. We're good."

Dipsh%$

Reflections in Houston

What did we learn?

Zambrano CAN actually win an opener of some sort.
Everyone on the Cubs douses their drawers at the intimidating prospect of facing the great and mighty Wandy.
Chicks dig the long ball - and so apparently does Ted Lilly.

In all, the offense did nicely - kinda sputtered a bit in game 2. Lou's still learning the bullpen. Overall, series win - good things.

On to Milwaukee!

One down...

161 to go...

Z pitches well. Soriano and Ramirez do what they do best. Sadly, so do Lee and Fuku. The Hoff comes through. Gregg gets the save. Bradley only tanks one ball in the OF. 20 games.....20 games.....

All good times. Sure Gregg's ERA is 9. who's gonna notice a little thing like that?

The secoind best part of the day - Fat Bastard got lit up in Baltimore....Just something about him being on the Brewers and annoying us like a mosquito in our ear just makes me hope he fails...and fails bad. But hey, he's not even in our league any more. So let's not burn up too many minutes on him. Rickie Weeks - still sucks donkey BA115.

Important point of the day - Z is no longer winless in openers...

Opening Day!

Hendry finalized his roster yesterday. Took me until today. I was getting nervous about those last two spots, but thankfully, there are deadlines.

It's OPENING DAY!!!!! OMFG I'm so psyched. I've been chomping on the baseball bit for quite some time now and now I get to watch meaningful baseball....or at least baseball that counts...

Booyah!

Predictions

Yeah....open mouth insert foot. I might break these down a bit, but for now - here we go:

OVerall impressions - Less impressed with this lineup than last year. There is less versatility, but more potential pop. I don't beleive for a second that Milton Bradley will start more than 100 games or that Aaron Miles will have anywhere near the production of Mark DeRosa. I do however think that having Fontenot at second closer to full time will be a benefit. The bullpen is also weaker overall, but not bad. So, without further ado, lets get into it.

Total wins - 94

1st NL Central by 5 games

Team Batting Average - .264

Milton Bradley games - 96

Fukudome games - 100

Rich Harden Starts - 24

Rich Harden Starts of 7+ innings - 5

Over/under 200 innnings for starters -
Dempster - over
Lilly - over
Zambrano - over
Harden - under
Marshall - under

No surprises there.

Home Runs -
The Hoff - 13 9
Bradley - 25
Lee - 20
Ramirez - 33
Soriano - 35
Fontenot - 23
Soto - 19

Yes, Fontenot will have more home runs than Lee.

Starters ERA - 4.25
Relievers ERA - 3.85
Marmol ERA - 2.49
Gregg ERA - 3.15

Runs Per Game - 4.89
Runs Allowed Per Game - 4.35

One Run games W - 59%

Home Wins - 52
Road Wins - 42

This is based on nothing except gut. We'll see.

Less than thrilled.

Judd Sirrott...sucks...Listened to about 10 minutes of him in the car...dang...

Cubs in NY...Less than impressive. Lilly and Harden both got lit up. Excellent.

But hey, it's spring, so who gives a crap. The biting commentary starts Monday.

Coming Soon...

You're not really considered a sports writer unless you do this. Somehow it defies all logic and reason, but it's gotta be there. Mostly, I think, just so people can make fun of you in 6 months. But who am I tro argue with convention...

Predictions and over/unders for the upcoming season.

Whoa boy...

Brick wall..

You know? I'm happy for the Bear. good for you. you got a great Quarterback. But couldn't you have done this back in January? C'mon, it's 3 days before opening day and people are STILL talking about the Bears. Shut up people..it's our turn now.

Damn you Bears. Damn you...