Sunday, September 21, 2008

Playoff Roster...

So let's take a look at this...this'll be a long post...We'll break it down into categories..

First, category - Duh!

1. Ryan Dempster - the most consistent pitcher of the year. Potentially a Game 1 Starter. Best beard/goatee (GOAT!!!!) on the team.
2. Rich Harden - He can only throw 16 pitches - but those 16 are NASTY!!
3. Ted Lilly - One hitter and a clincher in the past two starts.
4. Kerry Wood - Reliable - about as much as Dempster last year. Think about THAT you Dempster haters.
5. Carlos Marmol - who needs a lights out setup man in the post season? These are all 10 - 1 games right?
6. Carlos Zambrano - Dang did he piss Lou off the other day, but he's still an ace, as long as another grandmother doesn't die.
7. Geovanni MVP - Er, I mean Soto.
8. Henry Blanco - In case Soto dies or something.
9. Derek Lee - The post season needs double plays too.
10. Aramis Ramirez - Let's hope he's more Mr. Clutch this October as opposed to Mr. I Can't Find The Clutch in My Porsche While Driving Home From Another Frickin' 0-fer" from last post season.
11. Ryan Theriot - "The Riot" I would like to see him run more - like hit and run, not stealing, cuz that's like a 50-50 shot with him.
12. (Sigh) Ronny Cedeno - The only viable backup shortstop on the team which is by the way the only reason he's still employed. Freakin' Niche markets...
13. Mark DeRosa - Hasn't played Catcher, pitcher, or Center Field this season, but hey - that's what clinching early is for. Seriously, that'd be freakin' sweet.
14. Mike Fontenot - Left handed bat with a bit of power, but otherwise a good hitter line to line.
15. Alfonso Soriano - Give him a blind fold in the outfield - it might help, but he's a game changer.
16. Jim Edmonds - Veteran leadership, strong defense, left handed hitter with pop and a boatload of postseason experience. He is one ugly SOB though.
17. Kosuke Fukudome - At the beginning of the season, he'd be number 1 on this list. Now, he's a defensive upgrade. Sad...
18. Reed Johnson - This dude's a gamer. Now if only someone would tell him what game that was.

Maybe kinda sorta probably:

1. Jason Marquis - in the bullpen. Get over your ego and learn how to warm up quick. He's pitched well enough to earn it of late.
2. Neal Cotts - need a lefty specialist in there. Not horrible, but let's just hope the game's not on the line.
3. Sean Marshall - Long guy or lefty guy. Rumor has it, the opposing teams might have more than one lefty available to bat, and maybe not consecutively.
4. Bob Howry - he sucks A-holes, but Lou likes him. We can leave him wherever he is when it's over. No need to bring him back to Chicago. We'll mail him his stuff.
5. Chad Gaudin - This is assuming he doesn't attack another dumpster. And he's healthy enough. Seriously dude. Vicodin - look it up.
6. Jeff Samardzija - Only problem here will be Lou spelling his name correctly on the Roster. Hate to lose him on a technicality.
7. (Sigh) Daryle Ward - I seriously think this could go either way, but he's our pinch hitter. Had a couple good AB's of late, so that'll prolly get him in.

Don't bother packing:
1. Felix Pie - A defensive upgrade with speed just isn't quite enough kid. I understand Iowa has a hotel room with his name burned into the door.
2. Micah Hoffpauir - The Hoff didn't get nearly enough playing time late in the season to wrestle this spot away from Ward, but with the Cubs clinching early, watch for playing time from the next Geo Soto.
3. Michael Wuertz - I understand it's a requirement to throw the ball over the plate two out of every five pitches. Too bad Mikey.
4. Kevin Hart - Last year, you pitched your way onto the roster. This year, you pitched your way off it. Congrats.
5. Angel Guzman - not quite there yet, but could be a surprise substitue for Sam-whatever the heck his name is...or possibly Gaudin if he's too embarrassed to take the field again.
6. Koyie Hill - Hope you like the minors. At least until Blanco retires. No more playing with table saws.
7. The rest of the kids - that's why you're called kids. But look at it this way - no more pink backpack.

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